Moving On
by lda-cullen
Summary: In the aftermath of losing yet another coach, Payson tries to move on from the pain she's in. No matter how hard she tries, she can't; she refuses to move on without the man she loves.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Make It Or Break It. All rights and credit belong to ABC Family and the creators.**

**AN: I just watched the three clips for the new episodes and they looks so sad and painful. This came to me when I saw the clip with Payson and her mom in the car. Payson looks like she's going to be suffering a lot in the next few episodes so I tried to tap into the pain she'll be feeling. So let me know what you gus think. Read and Review! **

I've woken up everyday with an aching heart since he left. It's to a point where I don't even feel like training anymore. I don't want to be in a stupid gym with stupid people pretending they know how I feel. No one knows how I feel because he didn't abandon them...he abandoned me. As I dress for another day of hell I look in the mirror and see his picture. In a fit of furry I snatch it off the mirror and rip it in half before tossing it in the empty trash can. Not even a minute later I pick up the torn pieces and put them back together and place it on my nightstand. I sit on my bed and watch the clock and wait until I have to leave. I sigh as I lay back on my bed, trying not to think about him...about that stupid night that changed everything. I'm started out my thoughts as Becca knocks on my door. With a sigh I through open the door and glare at her.

"Mom just wanted me to get you so we can go to The Rock. It's time to go." She glances at me over her shoulder and grimace when she sees my glare.

I sigh before grabbing my bag and slowly walking down the stairs. I walk into the kitchen to find mom and dad in a whispered discussion. I roll my eyes as they stop talking when I make an appearance. Mom smiles too brightly and grabs her cars keys. As I walk out the door I feel my dads' hand on my shoulder. I turn around and bury my head in his chest. I smile faintly when he wraps his arms around me and whispers words of encouragement to me. I pull away and make my way over to the car. The car ride to The Rock is long and even painful, although the pain doesn't really kick in until I see the vacant parking spots reserved for the airstream.

As I stare at the vacant parking spots and trace the words on the sign indicating the intended owner, I feel my mom's eyes on me. As I feel tears begin to burn my eyes I blink furiously to stop them. I'm shaken out of my trance by the car door slamming and mom's hand on my shoulder. I turn to look at mom and I see sadness and pity in her eyes. I sigh before placing my hand on the door, trying to ready myself for the long day ahead, but mom speaks and my body stiffens, because I know what she's going to say.

Her voice is soft on the border line of soothing. "Payson...I think it's time you move on with gymnastics...with your life. Sasha wouldn't want..." I turn to glare at her when she mentions his name. My voice is filled with venom when I snap at her.

"No mom. You don't know what Sasha would want from me. No one does. You want to know why? Because he's not here. He left me and he left all of us and there is nothing that any one can do about it. So I don't want to hear what you think Sasha Belov wants from me." I climb out of the car and slam the door with as much force as I'm allowed before stomping off into the gym.

When I enter the gym I see Emily stretching and Austin chalking up his hands. He looks like he's a million miles away. His mind is probably on Kaylie because of his worry for her. At least she has someone willing to stick by her no matter what. I make my way over to Emily and sit down next to her. I greet her with a nod before closing my eyes trying to focus on anything, but Sasha Belov. I'm grateful when she speaks to keep my mind off things.

"How you holding up Pay? I know that Sasha leaving is hard on everyone, but it's hardest for you. You two were really close."

I shrug trying to be casual, but as the images of Sasha and I force their way in my mind I feel like breaking. "I'll deal with it. We've lost a coach before so it's nothing we haven't been through. We'll just find another coach to replace him. No big deal."

I cringe when I see Emily's eye roll. "Pay...you know that's not true. It's a big deal and you know it. Be honest for like five seconds. You and him...there's something between you that can't be replaced. If he comes back, it would be for you. You're the one that was able to keep him here in the first place. All the times you guys spent together...as coach and athlete...means something."

"Not to him. If it meant something...if I meant something then we wouldn't be scrambling around for a coach. So we will continue to train and continue to work. Sasha or no Sasha we will get to the Olympics. Sasha mean nothing to me." I put up a strong front for her, but on the inside I'm crumbling. I say what I need to, but don't really believe it myself.

I look over and see Emily's shocked expression at my hurtful words. She looks down at the mat before looking at me. "Pay, you don't mean that."

I scoff and get up off the floor. "Maybe I don't, but it's what gets me through. I feel alive when I'm hurting. When he isn't here with me, I'm numb and I feel nothing."

She gets up and follows me to the chalk bowl. Her persistent accusations and speculations is making me crazy. She's one of my best friends now, but all of the Sasha talk is getting to me.

"Pay..." She looks at the floor before meeting my eyes, "you...you love him don't you?"

I take a breath before shaking my head. "It doesn't matter if I do or if I don't. He's gone and he's not coming back. Not even I can change that."

As I make my way to the floor I realize where I'm heading and change my direction immediately. I go to the uneven bars to start off with. As I'm flying through the air, I try to stay focused and centered. When I've finished my routine I lower myself to the ground and stalk over to the water cooler. As I see Austin make his way over I sigh in irritation. He looks like a lost puppy without Kaylie here.

He nods in my direction as he grabs a cup to fill with water. "Keeler."

I smile tightly before nodding in return. "Tucker."

He looks at me critically before tossing the empty cup in the trash can. "Keeler...you'll be fine. Eventually. The pain will get easier to deal with and then you'll be fine."

I sigh before stalking away from him. I walk past the floor, the uneven bars, and the observation room before heading out of the gym all together. I walk across the parking lot and stand in the center of his parking space for what feels like hours. No one has came to bring me back in the gym and I never expected them to. The only person who cared and who would have ran after me is gone. I slump forward until I'm sitting on the side of the parking lot where the airstream used to be. No matter how hard I train, how hard I try to move on, and how much I try to heal without him I can't. Everyone is telling me to move on, but I can't. I refuse to. He's become a part of me and there's no way of undoing that. I look out across the bright sky and wonder if he's staring at the same sun as me. With that thought in my head I feel a little better, but not much. The pain may get easier to deal with, but I refuse to move on without him. I can't move on with gymnastics or my life without the man I foolishly love by my side.


End file.
